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"Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear,
but forgetting where you heard it."
-Laurence J. Peter
This column may be downloaded free of cost for private use.
Only in case of publication is modest compensation required.
Please contact Conrad.
"Read not to contradict and confute,
nor to believe and take for granted, nor to find talk and discourse, but to weigh and consider."
-Francis Bacon
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I have to excuse my master. Yes, you know - Conrad, who writes this column. I'm standing in for him.
You see, he's dog-tired. Is writing a column such an exhausting task? Does he really have
to work like a dog to get it finished? No. He doesn't. Actually, he has other work that keeps him
busy, and writing this column is not what he does all day, every day. So why is he so tired?
Well, I don't mind saying this - and I'm not putting on the dog, now. But I think it may all be
due to me. Who am I? Oh, sorry. I forgot. You didn't know about this development yet. Let me fill you in.
Do you remember how he was complaining some columns ago about the behaviour of the family's cats - and
the other family members as well? You see, he grew up with dogs. And for almost twenty years he has
had to do without "Man's Best Friend". And to make matters worse, his family tricked him into
allowing cats in the house. Can you imagine? I shudder to think of having just cats as pets for
years and years. And yet this is what he has had to go through. Those haughty animals, that treat everybody
like a dogsbody. And no real friends - no dogs. I just mean to say - he must have just been treated as a dog. I sympathise with him.
Anyway, getting back to the story. He really yearned for his own version of Man's Best Friend. All around
him he would see people with nice dogs. Not surprising, is it, I mean - plenty of gay dogs around...
One of his acquaintances even has no less than ten (!) golden retrievers! He's what you call a lucky dog!
But, to make a long story short, his family took pity on him. Every dog has his day, and his day came
three weeks ago. His wife - not a doggy kind of a person, nor a dog, if you must know - suggested
he find a nice puppy. He didn't know what was happening to him.
Could he be so lucky? He was happy like a dog with two tails.
Like a good Internet columnist behooves, he found someone advertising golden retriever
puppies on the Internet and went to see them. And that's when it happened. He saw ME.
I know you have to be careful with this kind of terminology nowadays, but I think I can
safely say it was love at first bite. Eh, sight. Sorry. I'm being a bit too doggish. He
came, saw and bought me. A real winner. Both him and me... Took me home in a flash.
Before I knew it, his home was my home. What? No, not literally. What do you think I am? A cat?
I shudder to think of it. No, I just mean that I'm part of the family now. And as a member
of the family, I live in the family home. Of course, that will never be the same home again.
Why? Oh, well. You know. I have this urge. Several different urges, actually. First of all
there's this thing with my bladder. Funny things, bladders. My master wanted me to control it
somehow. I don't know why, but he doesn't seem to like me doing my business anywhere in his
home. I tried to avoid urinating on my own bed, and even on his, but that didn't seem to be
enough. For some reason he wants me to take my business outside. Fair enough. I try to comply.
But it's difficult. First of all because I don't always know when I have to go. So, to be safe,
I go to the door every ten minutes or so. I give the family a pleading look. And they
don't know when I have to go either. So, again for safety reasons, they take me outside
every time. Again and again.
And then there's the second problem. Because, you see, when I get excited, my bladder
seems to get excited as well. Whenever the family think they are doing me a favour by greeting me warmly or playing with me,
that doggone bladder of mine spoils things. I don't have to paint you a picture, do I? You can quite imagine
what I mean.
Oh, and I also have this other urge. You see, I may only be eleven weeks old, but contrary to human
babies, I have a really nice set of teeth. And no dog's dentist to go to. So I have to sharpen them,
keep them clean, practice using them - I'm busy taking care of my teeth all day. I try them on the
furniture, on parts of the house that stick out, on kid's toys, on people's clothes - on anything and
everything. Even on people's body parts, sometimes.
And of course my master feels responsible. So any mistakes I make on the floor when he's around,
he cleans up. Any time I need to go outside, he takes me. Any time I try my teeth on a family
member who does not appreciate it, he comes and rescues the person.
So, like I said, he gets dog-tired. No, no, I don't mean he gets tired of me. Who could
ever get tired of me? He just gets exhausted because he works like a dog during the day,
and works for the dog in the evening.
I do realise I have to be careful. If I take things too far, I may very well end up in the doghouse.
But so far, I'm one happy puppy. And once I get my master in shape, he'll be happy too. It's
just a matter of training...
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Disclaimer
This column is only for the purpose of entertaining, educating or
giving food for thought. Any persons, characters, countries, institutions or groups
mentioned are - as a matter of principle - fictional: any resemblance to existing ones is
purely by chance. ;-)
If the content of this column offends anyone, please accept the
columnist's apologies: no offense was intended.
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column noun
1a: a vertical arrangement of items on a page
b: a vertical section of a printed page
c: an accumulation arranged vertically
d: a department or feature (as of humor, sports,
literary reviewing, or gossip) in a newspaper or periodical, under a permanent
title and generally reflecting the writer's individual tastes and point of view.
2: a supporting pillar
3: a form, structure, or formation shaped like a column
(Webster's Dictionary.)
Relevant reads:
The Perfect Puppy
Help!
My Puppy Is Driving Me Crazy: A Guide to Solving Common Puppy Problems
I Just Got a Puppy: What Do I Do?
Retriever Puppy Training :
The Right Start for Hunting
Puppies for Dummies
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