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"Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear,
but forgetting where you heard it."
-Laurence J. Peter
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"Read not to contradict and confute,
nor to believe and take for granted, nor to find talk and discourse, but to weigh and consider."
-Francis Bacon
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Are you lord and master in your home? Really? Lucky you! I'm not, you see. I used to think I
was. But then things started to happen.
First, my wife decided I was wrong. In what? No, not in any particular case. Wrong as a
matter of principle. "I'm always right", she said. And she has kept saying it since then.
I know, she hasn't specifically said "You are always wrong". But it's the same thing, isn't it?
Then I agreed to getting a cat. (We had mice, and they didn't seem to obey the house rules
too well. And I hate removing dead mice from traps.) I repeat "a cat". (I see no plurals
in that statement. Do you? Well, watch what happened!) So my wife got two cats. Guess what sex!
You got it right the first time: a male and a female cat. I had no idea. Really, I didn't. You
see, I'm a dog person. Dogs are my friends. I love dogs. For several reasons. They're great
friends, great to play with, great for taking for a walk. But they're also great because it's
relatively easy to teach them discipline. Now note the word "relatively". That's the word I
put in now that I'm acquainted with cats.
Because, you see, cats are different. (Oh, you had noticed that?) A dog is both your "inferior",
which is due to the dog's wolf ancestry, and your friend and protector. (Well, not all dogs are
your protectors. My mother, for instance, has chihuahua's.
"Say no more", I almost hear you think. So I won't.) A cat is not your inferior. A cat is also
not your friend. Make no mistake about this, if you are ever inclined to get a cat: a cat does
not have a master or a mistress, but only serfs! A cat has an attitude of
"I am Lord and Master of this house, and you should be glad I allow you to live here and
take care of my needs!"
O.K., so that's not the dictionary use of the word "Master". No, I know. The dictionary says,
among other explanations, that a "master" is "The owner of an animate or inanimate object",
"The male person whom an animal has been trained to obey", or "The head of a household".
I suppose the latter description still more or less applies to me. Just as long as you don't
take the word "head" too literally. My family members only take that word to mean that they
should meet me "head-on".
And the cats - well, you know about the birds and the bees, don't you? You see, they sort of
"multiplied and replenished the earth". And especially that little corner of the earth where
I live.
But let me give you the rest of the list. The third thing that happened, was that my kids
just kept growing. And turned into adolescents. Did you know that an adolescent has completely
different parents from when he or she was a young child?
You didn't? Well, just wait until your own kids are that age.
It's quite a shock to turn from a parent who used to know everything and who was consulted in
most things by his kids, into an ignorant nitwit whom you shouldn't take seriously.
Since then, no one listens when I say "Clean up this mess", "Clean up your room", "Take a
bath", "Eat some breakfast before you go out", or other statements which seemed to make sense
when the children were younger.
There was a time when my home was my castle, and I was lord of that castle. (Or at least
I thought so...) But now that my wife is "right all the time", our cats (I cannot stand to think
that they are also my cats) have taken control of my favourite chairs in our
living room and do what they can to destroy everything I care about in our home, and my
children have assigned to me the role of a driveling old geezer (I'm in my early fourties...),
that time is over. For now. Because, on the other hand, time is on my side. Those cats are
bound not to get as old as I. Our children will get older, and will hopefully grow out of their
present phase. And my wife ... well, I'll still have work on her. We'll see.
Watch this space!
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Disclaimer
This column is only for the purpose of entertaining, educating or
giving food for thought. Any persons, characters, countries, institutions or groups
mentioned are - as a matter of principle - fictional: any resemblance to existing ones is
purely by chance. ;-)
If the content of this column offends anyone, please accept the
columnist's apologies: no offense was intended.
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column noun
1a: a vertical arrangement of items on a page
b: a vertical section of a printed page
c: an accumulation arranged vertically
d: a department or feature (as of humor, sports,
literary reviewing, or gossip) in a newspaper or periodical, under a permanent
title and generally reflecting the writer's individual tastes and point of view.
2: a supporting pillar
3: a form, structure, or formation shaped like a column
(Webster's Dictionary.)
Relevant reads:
Cats on the Counter: Therapy and Training for Your Cat
Leader of the Pack: How to Take Control of Your Relationship with Your Dog
Surviving Your Adolescents: How to Manage and Let Go Of Your 13-18 Year Olds Hands control back to parents... a great resource
How to Change Your Spouse and Save Your Marriage
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